A herring on a background of herring with the caption "Fake news from a real town"
Fake news from a real town

Amid snow and a deep cold snap, Haines celebrated the New Year with fireworks, parties, and good cheer to ring in 1979. Reporters asked locals about some memorable moments from the past year and resolutions for the new one.

Local reveler Linda McHair said, “What a year! I’ve watched that new movie “Grease” at least eight times already. ‘You’re the one that I want, ooh ooh ooh!’ I just hope they keep making movies with that John Travolta guy.” 

When asked what his favorite thing to do the past year was, Kurt Kreynolds said, “Well, I like to hop in my brand-new ‘77 Camaro and stare down the highway in my mirrored Aviators while blasting “Hot-Blooded” at full volume on the radio and admiring my waxed handlebar mustache in the rearview.”

Local fisherman Paul Otics voiced a few drawbacks, “Personally, I’m most concerned about the first non-Italian pope in 450 years. What’s next, a movie actor for president?”

In addition, several new families started in the past year. Chris and Melissa Simpson welcomed the arrival of their first son, Jimmy, in March. They also bought their first house in town, close to where Chris works as a restaurant manager. 

“Big year of big milestones for us,” he said, “Of course, home ownership is simply a given, and obviously a mortgage is affordable on a single income stream. So it all made financial sense, really.”

High school junior Jen Alpha had some wishes for the coming year, “If only there was an easier way of keeping in touch with my friends. Like a dispersed network of interconnected devices that would, like, transfer messages, voice, and maybe even photographs like a fax machine, only using electrical signals to handheld portable devices. Except then the combined interactions of all humanity might cause the network to become sentient and destroy humanity like ‘Westworld’ or something. Guess I’ll stick to this rotary phone!”

Linda McHair added, “Seventy-nine, end of a decade. ‘Star Wars,’ ‘The Godfather,’ ‘Jaws.’ There’s no way the ’80s can beat that.”