On Sunday, two teams of very large men collided violently with one another in an earnest, but vain, attempt to communicate their feelings.
“Hurr!” roared quarterpounder Gerard B. Ovine of the Philadelphia Cheesesteaks in cordial greeting to defensive porterhouse Kevin Beefshanks of the Kansas City Barbecues as they both smashed together with the force of careening semis. “Glarrgh!” replied Beefshanks, in lieu of pleasant small talk about the weather, while spittle flew through his face mask and into Ovine’s eyes. “Blaarr!” he howled in apology, further irrigating Ovine’s face. Ovine graciously accepted the apology by lifting Beefshanks up bodily and hurling him into Chris Hamburger, another defensive porterhouse for the Cheesesteaks.
The Barbecues’ Chuck Patty tried to express his anxiety that he hadn’t chosen this life but instead been pressured by adults throughout his youth to play football because of his titanic girth when what he really wanted was to be a professional musician, but because of their family’s socioeconomic status he had to continue seeking athletic scholarships as the only means of upward mobility — but then he was cut short by Cheesesteaks’ fullrack Slab McWall, who slammed into Mr. Patty like a human battering ram as he tried to convey his deep existential terror of chronic traumatic encephalopathy.
Sunday’s game was noted for the particular enthusiasm with which the extremely large men attempted to communicate friendship and brotherhood in socially acceptable ways. At one point, referees had to pause the game because the Barbecues’ burnt end Angus Roast sprained his ankle after having a conversation that would’ve turned normal human bodies into ground chuck.
Cheesesteaks’ head coach Bill Paylicheck said, “I’m proud of my boys. They did good out there. Still a lot of work to do on defensiveness, lotta defensiveness coming up. Gonna have to go on the offensive about our defense, and deep-seated issues with authoritative father figures. Still, we made lots of progress on using our words and making ‘I feel’ statements.”