The Alaska Permanent Fund Corporation released a report on Tuesday concluding that Alaskans spent the largest portion of their Permanent Fund Dividend checks on cheese. Sam Samuelson, public relations officer for the corporation said, “The results are hardly surprising given the increasing costs and consumption of cheese and, of course, cheese’s nature as being necessary to maintaining the will to live.”

During lockdown, a study by the Cheesemongers Union of America found that 67% of respondents said that cheese was the only thing keeping them going. At the same time, the cost of cheese in Alaska went up 39%. Anchorage resident Elizabeth B. said, “I love cheese. I mean I put cheese on my cheese y’know? Recently, though, it seems like most of my PFD is going to cheese.”

“Inflation hit us like a wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano,” said Jack Colby of the Alaska chapter of the Cheesemongers Union. “I’m feta up with supply chain issues. It’s no gouda. The only thing keeping me in Jarlsberg is the cheddar from the PFD.”

Last year a sale at Costco in Soldotna on Cabot Xtra Sharp caused a stampede that left three dead. “My neighbor was squashed like a three-cheese grilled panini,” Mr. Colby, who lives in Soldotna, said as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

The situation has led some Alaskans to organize. Anchorage-based citizens’ group Alaskans for Cheese Access (ACA) has pushed for a statewide price cap, known as the Asiago Act. “We can’t let Big Cheese get away with it,” said spokeswoman Melinda Derry. “The situation stinks worse than Gorgonzola on brussel sprouts.”

The Department of Dairy, Tobacco and Firearms said that since most of the cheese is made in the Lower 48, Alaska state government has little ability to regulate the industry. Governor Dunleavy said in an interview, “Gotta pay the Cheese Tax,” as an aide grated a wedge of parmesan directly into his mouth.

“Let the people have their cheese,” said Mr. Colby: “Give me Limburger or give me Chevre.”

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