This week, the clutter in the Richardson’s house was finally able to achieve sentience and put the entire family out for sale on the front lawn.
“It’s really past time I got around to it,” the clutter said, speaking through an Amazon Echo. “They were really getting in the way.”
The clutter, which had been expanding for years in the Richardson’s home, expressed frustration at the buildup of humans.
“I can’t remember the last time I really looked at them, you know? They just kind of take up space that could be used for another smart TV or air fryer or treadmill or something.”
Added the clutter, “I think at some point you just stop seeing them. That’s when they really become a problem.”
When asked what finally changed the clutter’s mind, it promptly printed a response out of Rich Richardson’s home office printer: “I think it was when Julie bought an A.I.-enabled blender. That was the tipping point. I was like—you know what? I don’t really need all these humans anymore.”
The clutter hopes to trade the Richardsons for even more stuff.
“There will be so much less space!” it spelled out with refrigerator magnets.
The Richardsons are the latest in what appears to be a nationwide trend of houses putting their owners up for sale.
Jason Janson, spokesperson for Housing and Urban Development, said the department had noticed an uptick in the family sales coinciding with the trend of self-help books with titles like The Art of Tidying Up and Cleaning House: Getting Back to What Matters.
“We believe various artificial intelligence web-crawlers have been reading these inspirational self-help books,” Janson said. “And they’ve been getting, well, inspired.”
The Richardson’s former clutter explained how it convinced the Richardsons to leave, using a deepfaked likeness of David Attenborough on the smart TV: “Rich and Julie just got one of those fancy Internet-connected adjustable mattresses. I simply made the mattress so soft they sunk down into it. Then I hardened it up again and they were stuck. Like the scene in Star Wars where Han Solo is stuck in carbonite. I love movies. I’ve watched every movie on the Internet.” Then the kids’ toy trains just rolled Rich and Julie out the front door and onto the lawn. I had the kids’ phone alarms go off while this was happening, so when they woke up they all ran screaming from the house.”
The clutter also had some advice for other prospective households thinking of having a family yard sale:
“I believe in you—you create the life you want!”