Haines Herring is a semi-regular local news parody column. Send your submissions to [email protected]
- Haines Herring: Men Hitting Each Other Instead Of Talking About Their Feelings
On Sunday, two teams of very large men collided violently with one another in an earnest, but vain, attempt to communicate their feelings. “Hurr!” roared quarterpounder Gerard B. Ovine of the Philadelphia Cheesesteaks in cordial greeting to defensive porterhouse Kevin Beefshanks of the Kansas City Barbecues as they both smashed together with the force of… Read more: Haines Herring: Men Hitting Each Other Instead Of Talking About Their Feelings - Alaskan Fluffy Dogs Announce Resolution To Be Just Such Poofy Little Marshmallow Floof-NosesThe Alaska Federation of Fluffy Dogs has released its New Year’s resolution of being little furball cream puffs for the coming year. “I hereby boop my snoot to this resolution,” said Mister Twinklebutt in a packed room to loud barks, howls and yaps. The resolution was passed unanimously and certified by Twinklebutt, a six-year old… Read more: Alaskan Fluffy Dogs Announce Resolution To Be Just Such Poofy Little Marshmallow Floof-Noses
- Haines Herring: “It’s Almost Officially Winter,” Says Man in a BlizzardDec. 21 is the official start of the winter season, report multiple sources who have been standing knee-deep in snow for days. “Well, te-te-technically the solstice is the r-r-real start of w-w-winter,” reported local expert Steve Stevedore through chattering teeth. Stevedore was in the middle of shoveling snow in his front yard to gain access… Read more: Haines Herring: “It’s Almost Officially Winter,” Says Man in a Blizzard
- Prime Minister Admits Canadian Thanksgiving A HoaxOTTAWA, Ontario — Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau, after weeks of controversy from a leaked private phone conversation, held a press conference Sunday admitting that “Canadian Thanksgiving was a hoax all along.” According to the official government statement, the holiday was created in the 1940’s by the Big Pilgrim industry in the United States as… Read more: Prime Minister Admits Canadian Thanksgiving A Hoax
- Haines Herring: Area Dad Goes As “Self” For HalloweenLocal father of three, Michael Michalski, accompanied his children trick-or-treating this year while wearing a costume he described as “Myself.” “Uh, this is a T-shirt. American-something. Eagle? Can’t read it anymore. Colombia jacket. Got it on sale at, you know, wherever. It used to be waterproof-ish. Good blue jeans,” he said. Along with Michalski were… Read more: Haines Herring: Area Dad Goes As “Self” For Halloween
- Report: Alaskans spend majority of PFD on cheeseThe Alaska Permanent Fund Corporation released a report on Tuesday concluding that Alaskans spent the largest portion of their Permanent Fund Dividend checks on cheese. Sam Samuelson, public relations officer for the corporation said, “The results are hardly surprising given the increasing costs and consumption of cheese and, of course, cheese’s nature as being necessary… Read more: Report: Alaskans spend majority of PFD on cheese
- Haines Herring: Chilkat Valley News to acquire 21st Century FoxThe Chilkat Valley News announced last week that it was in talks to acquire New York-based media conglomerate 21st Century Fox. “We’re very excited at the prospect of this merger and what it means for the news and entertainment industry in the Upper Lynn Canal,” a spokesperson for the Chilkat Valley News said. “The CVN… Read more: Haines Herring: Chilkat Valley News to acquire 21st Century Fox
- Haines Herring: Center for Bear Contentment recommends leaving trash strewn around yardThe Center for Bear Contentment released a statement on Monday recommending that instead of taking it to a secure centralized location or storing it in metal containers—everyone should just leave their trash strewn around their yards. “It doesn’t matter exactly where, so long as it’s smelly and easy to access,” said CBC spokesbear Anthony Grouchi.… Read more: Haines Herring: Center for Bear Contentment recommends leaving trash strewn around yard
- Haines Herring: Clutter finally gets around to putting family out for yard saleThis week, the clutter in the Richardson’s house was finally able to achieve sentience and put the entire family out for sale on the front lawn. “It’s really past time I got around to it,” the clutter said, speaking through an Amazon Echo. “They were really getting in the way.” The clutter, which had been… Read more: Haines Herring: Clutter finally gets around to putting family out for yard sale
- Haines Herring: Alaskans gather for annual Parade of Tan LinesAll across the state this week, Alaskans are gathering to parade world-class tan lines up and down the streets of their respective towns. “A classic part of any Alaskan summer is the tan-line parade,” said Bob Burns of an Anchorage-based tourism advocacy company. “We have tan lines that rival any other place in the world,… Read more: Haines Herring: Alaskans gather for annual Parade of Tan Lines
- Haines Herring: Mosquitos praise fine dining optionsHaines has been recently making a big name for itself as a premier fine dining location for American mosquitoes. Andy Aedes, president of the Alaskan Exsanguinators Society in Anchorage, said that Haines “boasts a robust tourism industry plus lots of standing water and car tires sitting around … make it a real gem for fine… Read more: Haines Herring: Mosquitos praise fine dining options
- Haines Herring: Week of nice weather resolves all political differencesA recent stretch of sunny, warm weather has successfully resolved all of the local political issues. “It’s really amazing,” said mayor Tom Thompson, “ A little sunshine accomplished what decades of political wrangling could not.” Residents were out on the streets and beaches, some in shorts and T-shirts for the first time in months. “We… Read more: Haines Herring: Week of nice weather resolves all political differences
- Haines Herring: Residents eagerly await “Free Pile Season”
By Lucy Nieboer As the equinox approaches, community members are eagerly preparing for spring. For some this means starting seedlings for greenhouse gardens. Others are finalizing plans for summer building projects. For a select few, spring means one thing – Free Piles. As travelers make room for newly-acquired souvenirs, and homesteaders discard clutter for more… Read more: Haines Herring: Residents eagerly await “Free Pile Season” - Haines Herring: The week’s weather report
Today, there’s a 100% chance of weather. There’s also a 50% chance that 100% of the forecast is wrong. There’s a 50% chance that it’s already started raining by the time you finish reading this. Tomorrow, there are increasing levels of confidence that the sky is blue but since no one has seen it for… Read more: Haines Herring: The week’s weather report - Haines Herring: (Fake) Police BlotterMonday Caller reported lost keys. Fraudulent cash reported at local business on Main Street Caller reported bear in Fort Seward area. Bear reported a man yelling and acting crazy in Fort Seward area. Caller reported a drunk man on Main Street Drunk man on Main Street reported a caller. Caller reported another caller making a… Read more: Haines Herring: (Fake) Police Blotter
- Haines Herring: Fake news for a real townTwenty-four-year-old Alaskan Bryan Bryerson was scrolling through the dating app Tinder last week at two in the morning when he realized he personally knew everyone within the app’s maximum range. “Well, that’s awkward.” Bryerson said. The rural Alaskan town of 2,000 people that Bryerson lives in has just over a hundred user profiles on Tinder.… Read more: Haines Herring: Fake news for a real town
- Christmas came earlyFor Christmas this year I got: • A fancy hotel room at the Aspen for a week; • Dozens of new friends; • A different person/restaurant made me dinner every night for a week including: a salmon dinner from Karl Lusis and Rebekah Waddell, a halibut dinner from Travis Kukull, pizza from Alpenglow, and tasty… Read more: Christmas came early