Haines Herring is a semi-regular local news parody column. Send your submissions to [email protected]
- Haines Herring: Matanuska Ferry To Take Final Voyage to Haines
A new partnership has been forged to solve a number of longstanding local issues: the need for more affordable housing for younger residents, the replacement of floats in Letnikof Cove, increased year-round employment, and the need for a self-contained, full-entertainment venue with a great view. Alaska Clean Water Advocacy and Haines Packing Company are teaming… Read more: Haines Herring: Matanuska Ferry To Take Final Voyage to Haines - Beam of Spring Sunshine Revealing How Dirty Floor IsMultiple sources reported on Monday that the lovely early spring sunshine dancing through their windowpanes was illuminating all the crumbs, cobwebs, dust, and cat hair on their floors. “At first I was delighted by the melting icicles and how the world seemed about to be reborn,” said local Molly Broom, “but then I saw a… Read more: Beam of Spring Sunshine Revealing How Dirty Floor Is
- Local Bear Hits Snooze Button for Six Hundredth TimeBiologists with the Alaska Department of Fish and Game reported this week that a resident brown bear, currently asleep on Chilly Ridge, had just broken the regional record by hitting the ‘snooze’ button on his alarm clock for the six hundredth consecutive time. “Bear 681, better known as Fishy McBreath, is truly a marathon hibernator,”… Read more: Local Bear Hits Snooze Button for Six Hundredth Time
- Haines Celebrates New Year’s 1979Amid snow and a deep cold snap, Haines celebrated the New Year with fireworks, parties, and good cheer to ring in 1979. Reporters asked locals about some memorable moments from the past year and resolutions for the new one. Local reveler Linda McHair said, “What a year! I’ve watched that new movie “Grease” at least… Read more: Haines Celebrates New Year’s 1979
- Cash, Hank, Zeppelin Still Top Artists On KHNS “Wrapped”As various platforms and streaming services tabulate all the previous year’s data to show you your most played songs, videos, or paper towel purchases—local radio station KHNS’ year-end wrap-up shows that once again, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, and Led Zeppelin are in the lead. General manager Mike Rafone said, “Since 1980, this station has been… Read more: Cash, Hank, Zeppelin Still Top Artists On KHNS “Wrapped”
- Area Uncles Draft This Year’s Thanksgiving ArgumentsThe brothers of area parents have been hard at work recently drafting the topics and honing skills for this year’s battles around the Thanksgiving table. We recently caught up with several uncles who shared their techniques for ruining family dinners in record speed: “What you’ve gotta do is home in on really uncomfortable personal topics,”… Read more: Area Uncles Draft This Year’s Thanksgiving Arguments
- Haines Herring: State To Assess Feasibility of Building Space Port On Eldred RockThe Alaska Department of Transportation is conducting environmental reviews and soliciting comments for a controversial project that would build a space port on the small island of Eldred Rock in the Lynn Canal, 55 miles north of Juneau. “This exciting project will facilitate economic projections with monetary facilities and lots of rocket fuel manufacturing,” said… Read more: Haines Herring: State To Assess Feasibility of Building Space Port On Eldred Rock
- Disappointed Tourist Just Wanted To See One Bear Eat His FaceFor Richard Selfee and his wife Cheryl, an Alaskan cruise was the trip of a lifetime. Both had retired two years prior in Suburb, Ohio and Mrs. Selfee convinced her husband that Carnivore Cruise Lines’ Sunny Delite was the way to see the wild stormy North. “It took Richard a little while to get used… Read more: Disappointed Tourist Just Wanted To See One Bear Eat His Face
- Report: Area Man Against ItLocal resident Kurt Mudgeon made a public statement over various social media platforms and barstools that he was against it. “I’m against it,” Mudgeon said. In addition to being wary of it, having differing opinions, and requiring more information about it, Mr. Mudgeon explained his reasoning: “I think it needs more permits.” He also accused… Read more: Report: Area Man Against It
- Tourists In Awe of Nature Basically Wearing Plastic BagsOn Tuesday, during typically rainy and windy Southeast weather, cruise ship passengers Irma and Bill Budgit waxed poetic about the scenery and wildlife they were witnessing, while wearing large plastic bags with holes cut in the middle for hoods. “Look at those murrelets, Bill! The gulls and the seabirds on their great unknowable migrations. The… Read more: Tourists In Awe of Nature Basically Wearing Plastic Bags
- Haines Herring: Pacific Salmon Releases New Gluten- and Dairy-Free SpeciesThe International Pacific Salmon Group or KSCPD announced this week the release of new seasonal species of salmon that are completely dairy- and gluten-free. “You spoke and we listened,” said chief executive offisher Tim Cooked. “I’m pleased to introduce our new species ImpossilverTM Salmon and BeyondChumTM to our world-class product offerings.” After a packed multinational… Read more: Haines Herring: Pacific Salmon Releases New Gluten- and Dairy-Free Species
- Ayatollah Khamenei steps down as Iranian Supreme Leader to run for Haines Borough AssemblyAs the Ayatollah’s grip on power has further waned after Israeli and U.S. attacks on Iranian military and other government sites like a state-run media broadcaster, rival factions are vying for power. And as unrest has stirred from a population that has become increasingly emboldened to publicly resist his oppressive regime, Khamenei told the Haines… Read more: Ayatollah Khamenei steps down as Iranian Supreme Leader to run for Haines Borough Assembly
- New Bear-Proof Dumpsters Require You To Solve the Labyrinth of Jareth the Goblin KingAlaska State Parks announced that it has contracted with the Kingdom of Goblins to build a new generation of bear-proof dumpsters that require users to find their way through the Labyrinth of Jareth the Goblin King before they open. “There’s no way the bears will figure this one out,” said director of State Parks Jim… Read more: New Bear-Proof Dumpsters Require You To Solve the Labyrinth of Jareth the Goblin King
- Canada Takes First Step to Annex AlaskaCanadian Prime Minister Carney, sporting a MATA (Make Alaska Territorial Again©) hat, opened multiple border crossings on April 1 and offered instant citizenship to Alaskans who want to trade in their stars and stripes for the maple leaf. According to an unnamed source: “We could take Alaska by force, but that wouldn’t be very Canadian,… Read more: Canada Takes First Step to Annex Alaska
- State to manifest new housingThe Alaska State Legislature announced a new plan to manifest more low-cost housing to relieve the shortage across the state. “People have been very pessimistic about the state of affordable housing–due to a lack of affordable housing–and that is causing Alaska to attract a lack of affordable housing,” said State Representative Bill Deen. Deen introduced… Read more: State to manifest new housing
- Haines Herring: Men Hitting Each Other Instead Of Talking About Their FeelingsOn Sunday, two teams of very large men collided violently with one another in an earnest, but vain, attempt to communicate their feelings. “Hurr!” roared quarterpounder Gerard B. Ovine of the Philadelphia Cheesesteaks in cordial greeting to defensive porterhouse Kevin Beefshanks of the Kansas City Barbecues as they both smashed together with the force of… Read more: Haines Herring: Men Hitting Each Other Instead Of Talking About Their Feelings
- Alaskan Fluffy Dogs Announce Resolution To Be Just Such Poofy Little Marshmallow Floof-NosesThe Alaska Federation of Fluffy Dogs has released its New Year’s resolution of being little furball cream puffs for the coming year. “I hereby boop my snoot to this resolution,” said Mister Twinklebutt in a packed room to loud barks, howls and yaps. The resolution was passed unanimously and certified by Twinklebutt, a six-year old… Read more: Alaskan Fluffy Dogs Announce Resolution To Be Just Such Poofy Little Marshmallow Floof-Noses
- Haines Herring: “It’s Almost Officially Winter,” Says Man in a BlizzardDec. 21 is the official start of the winter season, report multiple sources who have been standing knee-deep in snow for days. “Well, te-te-technically the solstice is the r-r-real start of w-w-winter,” reported local expert Steve Stevedore through chattering teeth. Stevedore was in the middle of shoveling snow in his front yard to gain access… Read more: Haines Herring: “It’s Almost Officially Winter,” Says Man in a Blizzard
- Prime Minister Admits Canadian Thanksgiving A HoaxOTTAWA, Ontario — Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau, after weeks of controversy from a leaked private phone conversation, held a press conference Sunday admitting that “Canadian Thanksgiving was a hoax all along.” According to the official government statement, the holiday was created in the 1940’s by the Big Pilgrim industry in the United States as… Read more: Prime Minister Admits Canadian Thanksgiving A Hoax
- Haines Herring: Area Dad Goes As “Self” For HalloweenLocal father of three, Michael Michalski, accompanied his children trick-or-treating this year while wearing a costume he described as “Myself.” “Uh, this is a T-shirt. American-something. Eagle? Can’t read it anymore. Colombia jacket. Got it on sale at, you know, wherever. It used to be waterproof-ish. Good blue jeans,” he said. Along with Michalski were… Read more: Haines Herring: Area Dad Goes As “Self” For Halloween
- Report: Alaskans spend majority of PFD on cheeseThe Alaska Permanent Fund Corporation released a report on Tuesday concluding that Alaskans spent the largest portion of their Permanent Fund Dividend checks on cheese. Sam Samuelson, public relations officer for the corporation said, “The results are hardly surprising given the increasing costs and consumption of cheese and, of course, cheese’s nature as being necessary… Read more: Report: Alaskans spend majority of PFD on cheese
- Haines Herring: Chilkat Valley News to acquire 21st Century FoxThe Chilkat Valley News announced last week that it was in talks to acquire New York-based media conglomerate 21st Century Fox. “We’re very excited at the prospect of this merger and what it means for the news and entertainment industry in the Upper Lynn Canal,” a spokesperson for the Chilkat Valley News said. “The CVN… Read more: Haines Herring: Chilkat Valley News to acquire 21st Century Fox
- Haines Herring: Center for Bear Contentment recommends leaving trash strewn around yardThe Center for Bear Contentment released a statement on Monday recommending that instead of taking it to a secure centralized location or storing it in metal containers—everyone should just leave their trash strewn around their yards. “It doesn’t matter exactly where, so long as it’s smelly and easy to access,” said CBC spokesbear Anthony Grouchi.… Read more: Haines Herring: Center for Bear Contentment recommends leaving trash strewn around yard
- Haines Herring: Clutter finally gets around to putting family out for yard saleThis week, the clutter in the Richardson’s house was finally able to achieve sentience and put the entire family out for sale on the front lawn. “It’s really past time I got around to it,” the clutter said, speaking through an Amazon Echo. “They were really getting in the way.” The clutter, which had been… Read more: Haines Herring: Clutter finally gets around to putting family out for yard sale
- Haines Herring: Alaskans gather for annual Parade of Tan LinesAll across the state this week, Alaskans are gathering to parade world-class tan lines up and down the streets of their respective towns. “A classic part of any Alaskan summer is the tan-line parade,” said Bob Burns of an Anchorage-based tourism advocacy company. “We have tan lines that rival any other place in the world,… Read more: Haines Herring: Alaskans gather for annual Parade of Tan Lines
- Haines Herring: Mosquitos praise fine dining optionsHaines has been recently making a big name for itself as a premier fine dining location for American mosquitoes. Andy Aedes, president of the Alaskan Exsanguinators Society in Anchorage, said that Haines “boasts a robust tourism industry plus lots of standing water and car tires sitting around … make it a real gem for fine… Read more: Haines Herring: Mosquitos praise fine dining options
- Haines Herring: Week of nice weather resolves all political differencesA recent stretch of sunny, warm weather has successfully resolved all of the local political issues. “It’s really amazing,” said mayor Tom Thompson, “ A little sunshine accomplished what decades of political wrangling could not.” Residents were out on the streets and beaches, some in shorts and T-shirts for the first time in months. “We… Read more: Haines Herring: Week of nice weather resolves all political differences
- Haines Herring: Residents eagerly await “Free Pile Season”
By Lucy Nieboer As the equinox approaches, community members are eagerly preparing for spring. For some this means starting seedlings for greenhouse gardens. Others are finalizing plans for summer building projects. For a select few, spring means one thing – Free Piles. As travelers make room for newly-acquired souvenirs, and homesteaders discard clutter for more… Read more: Haines Herring: Residents eagerly await “Free Pile Season” - Haines Herring: The week’s weather report
Today, there’s a 100% chance of weather. There’s also a 50% chance that 100% of the forecast is wrong. There’s a 50% chance that it’s already started raining by the time you finish reading this. Tomorrow, there are increasing levels of confidence that the sky is blue but since no one has seen it for… Read more: Haines Herring: The week’s weather report - Haines Herring: (Fake) Police BlotterMonday Caller reported lost keys. Fraudulent cash reported at local business on Main Street Caller reported bear in Fort Seward area. Bear reported a man yelling and acting crazy in Fort Seward area. Caller reported a drunk man on Main Street Drunk man on Main Street reported a caller. Caller reported another caller making a… Read more: Haines Herring: (Fake) Police Blotter
- Haines Herring: Fake news for a real townTwenty-four-year-old Alaskan Bryan Bryerson was scrolling through the dating app Tinder last week at two in the morning when he realized he personally knew everyone within the app’s maximum range. “Well, that’s awkward.” Bryerson said. The rural Alaskan town of 2,000 people that Bryerson lives in has just over a hundred user profiles on Tinder.… Read more: Haines Herring: Fake news for a real town
- Christmas came earlyFor Christmas this year I got: • A fancy hotel room at the Aspen for a week; • Dozens of new friends; • A different person/restaurant made me dinner every night for a week including: a salmon dinner from Karl Lusis and Rebekah Waddell, a halibut dinner from Travis Kukull, pizza from Alpenglow, and tasty… Read more: Christmas came early