As the Ayatollah’s grip on power has further waned after Israeli and U.S. attacks on Iranian military and other government sites like a state-run media broadcaster, rival factions are vying for power. And as unrest has stirred from a population that has become increasingly emboldened to publicly resist his oppressive regime, Khamenei told the Haines Herring that he’s looking for greener pastures in the Chilkat Valley.
Recent efforts by some Haines Borough assembly members to manipulate local laws to target political rivals — the Ayatollah said — is a good fit for his style of politics.
“They’re doing good work, and, I feel like, with my experience, I could truly achieve hegemony,” the Ayatollah said.
In early June, one assembly member proposed amending Haines Borough Ordinance to allow the assembly to gag, tar and feather the mayor during assembly discussion, an effort that failed to gain traction.
“I love the spirit of that — suppressing speech combined with public humiliation — but I understand he withdrew the ordinance because it wasn’t ‘legal,’” Khamenei said. “It’s those categories one must really learn to deconstruct or ignore.”
At the next meeting, a different assembly member proposed additional changes to law that could allow the assembly to jail without trial any elected official whose name rhymes with “Norphet” or “Floomis.”
He added that he was baffled that some assembly members would actually want to remove an assembly member so willing to instill fear by using violent and murderous rhetoric.
“C’mon guys. Death threats are, like, the most basic and fun way to clench and hold power,” the Ayatollah said. “Regardless, there’s a real chance that the borough’s regime will be without a mayor and an assembly person in the coming months. I really feel that I could fill both those seats at the same time.”
When asked which party or faction he wanted to see ascend to ultimate power in Haines, Khamenei responded, “Old people, basically. Haines — which contains the oldest demographic in Alaska — is really a perfect fit for me.”
Citing his advanced age, Khamenei said that the Chilkat Valley’s large retirement population was the perfect fit for someone who wants to spend the remainder of their life pursuing public policies that benefit only those who can retire with a lot of time, money and the spite and bitterness that accumulates with age.
“I also have lots of ideas for how to take over complete control of your newspaper and radio station,” he said when asked about his policy platforms. “But I also plan to provide affordable housing to all ethnic minorities in Haines — you know, anyone under the age of 40, people with preschool-aged children, and women who want to live in yurts.”
When asked what affordable housing looks like in Haines, the Ayatollah said “a one-way ticket to the deepest pits of Eternal Torment and Fire. I believe you Southeast Alaskans call that the milk run to Seattle?”
When asked how his Islamic-fundamentalist brand of Islam might conflict with fellow assembly members’ self-proclaimed Christian values, like love of neighbor and forgiveness of enemies, the Ayatollah broke out into hysterical laughter.
“That’s a good one. You’re a funny guy,” he said in-between guffaws. “When I become Supreme Mayor/Assembly Member and jail you and your fellow journalists, I will allow you to see the sun once a year from the prison at Viking Cove. That place will never again host weddings or art tours, because I despise joy and laughter.”