Canadian Prime Minister Carney, sporting a MATA (Make Alaska Territorial Again©) hat, opened multiple border crossings on April 1 and offered instant citizenship to Alaskans who want to trade in their stars and stripes for the maple leaf. 

According to an unnamed source: “We could take Alaska by force, but that wouldn’t be very Canadian, eh?” Thousands of Alaskans are jumping on the chance for universal health care, free firewood in national parks, reliable ferry service to Prince Rupert, and no tariff surcharges at Canadian Tire Superstores.

Governor Dunleavy called out the National Guard to sandbag the flood of emigrés, but they had been trained to make people leave, not make people stay. There was total confusion as the departing 49ers chanted: “Depart not Deport,” and “Next Maypole in the Maple.” 

President Trump called for a wall between Alaska and Canada to control the border. “We’re going to build a really great wall, better than China’s Great Wall, and we’re going to make Canada pay for it.” However, it appears Mexico’s successful disregard of a similar threat in 2015 has reinforced Canadian confidence they won’t have to foot the bill. 

Federal officials who supported earlier mass deportations are concerned: “Kicking out millions of people who harvest our food and work in low-end hospitality jobs made sense, but this new exodus could lead to a serious shortage of Olympic-quality skiers and hockey players.”

The mayor of Haines was unfazed: “It really is a no-brainer, just look at a bloody map! We can’t get an Alaska State Trooper stationed in Haines and Canadian Mounties will only be 250 miles away in Whitehorse, significantly reducing response time and increasing public safety.”

Reactions from Alaska’s congressional delegation have been mixed: Senator Murkowski said she would consider a run for Premier of the new WNW Territory, noting her compatibility with Canada’s more polite version of center-right politics. Congressman Begich was very excited his family will have more options for political party affiliation. Senator Sullivan, unclear on the location of the border, had no comment.

Everyone is waiting for the next ski boot to drop from Canada’s new, aggressive, world-stage persona. And this just in: Carney is denouncing the CBC for questioning his move to establish unilateral control over the Canadian Ocean, formerly known as the North Atlantic. More on this meaningless insanity as it develops…