Haines has been recently making a big name for itself as a premier fine dining location for American mosquitoes.

Andy Aedes, president of the Alaskan Exsanguinators Society in Anchorage, said that Haines “boasts a robust tourism industry plus lots of standing water and car tires sitting around … make it a real gem for fine dining.” 

Aedes, who had exploded by press time, reported that, while Southeast Alaska might not have the kind of horde-living that the Interior enjoys, “Small communities like Haines offer excellent wildlife and human dining options in the summer.” He stressed that cruise season was really when foodies could really go big. “Go for the views, stay for the RH factor.”

Chris Culex, who was alive during eight days of the 2023 season, wrote on the AES website, “The Interior’s just caribou, caribou, caribou. Maybe an Arctic hare or an RVer once in a blood moon. Down here? They got everything. Fisherman with a side of malamute. Carpenter with police officer reduction and a dash of river guide. And don’t get me started on the cruise ships. Ever had a B-positive L.A. lawyer with brown bear and moose aioli? Worth exploding for.” Culex was recently hit by an electrified tennis racket. 

The residents certainly aren’t unaware of how lucky they are, either. “I couldn’t be happier here,” Karen Anopheles said, “I really come alive this time of year.” Anopheles, two weeks old and originally from a puddle on Main Street (now dried up) said that at first she was disappointed with the slim pickings in town. 

“I mean, everyone was real nice, but rather tough and gamey. Maybe it was just the winter.” Anopheles said she traveled as far as Fourth Avenue, “Everybody was all wrapped up in too many layers. All bread, y’know? Couldn’t get so much as a bite. Then the next day—holy guacamole! It was like the buffet line at the Golden Corral.” 

Anopheles waxed poetic: “I had fresh-squeezed Floridians, New York-style New Yorkers, universal-donor Arizonan, even a baked Alaskan. I’m in heaven.” She added that she intended to stay.

“This seems like a perfect place to raise 10,000 kids and gorge them on the surfeit of fresh human blood.” She said she had plans to go out tonight but first had to check out the weird blue light on the porch.