A group of state economists, financial advisors, and bank executives released a report last week concluding that you don’t have enough money.

“After extensive review of all the latest data, this study has found that you are lacking in currency,” said chief economist and report author Dr. Hank A. Count. “In fact, we found that your funds are insufficient.”  

The study considered over 200 variables—big ones like housing, healthcare, fuel, and eggs but also lesser-known phenomena such as “Everything is Like Two Hundred Dollars Now.”

Reactions among locals were mixed: “Yes, I concur with these findings,” said seasonal guide Christina Ramen who was living in a tent. “In fact the tip money I do have stuffed under my air mattress is getting moldy.”

Business owner Bob Ledger said, “Well, at first I thought I might have enough money. But then I realized money’s hardly worth anything these days.”

Notorious rhyme-smith Bars McGraw got in a few good hits before reporters ran away: “I’m missing the moolah! Bare-o of dinero. Fresh out of Franklins. Ravaged of cabbage. Shrinkin’ the Lincolns. I dream of the CREAM. Unpleased with the cheese. Haven’t seen any green. Achin’ for bacon.…”

“*Bleep!* I’m broke!” wrote one online commentator.

Dr. A. Count was quick to point out that the study was not there to judge why you didn’t have enough money, nor was it designed to provide any solutions for getting more. “Our goal was just to examine all available data and hypothesize that you don’t have money. See Conclusion and Analysis paragraph 13, footnote 6.” 

He added, “The null hypothesis—that you in fact have money— is conclusively false.”

But Financial Super-whiz Sylvester McMonkey McBean had plenty of advice for people experiencing what he called Negative Legal Tender Sufficiency Syndrome, “Instead of not having money, try instead to have money. It’s that simple! If you, for example, have money then you don’t have to be like, hey, darn, I don’t have money.

In NLTSS, you can start having harmful thought patterns like, “*Bleep!* I’m broke!” and this kind of negative mental cycle will keep money from manifesting in your life. If you have money, then it tends to attract more money, kinda like magic except with diversified private equity! Buy my book and subscribe to my podcast!”