The International Pacific Salmon Group or KSCPD announced this week the release of new seasonal species of salmon that are completely dairy- and gluten-free.
“You spoke and we listened,” said chief executive offisher Tim Cooked. “I’m pleased to introduce our new species ImpossilverTM Salmon and BeyondChumTM to our world-class product offerings.”
After a packed multinational conference, Cooked, who is a 27-pound chinook, told Hook, Line, and Sinker magazine, “BeyondChumTM is raised in entirely gluten-free facilities, like the Bering Sea. And our newest subspecies of the ImpossilverTM allows the males to be totally free of eggs and egg products.”
“We’ve been naturally selecting like crazy,” said KSCPD’s product manager Eva Lution. “It’s really a cutthroat-trout business environment. But with our high return-on-hatchery investments and diversified stock-of-concern portfolios, we can really pull out all the stops as a taxonomic clade.”
Lution clarified that the new species “would still have the same crisp, delicious flavor that people and bears have come to expect and love from us, whether baked, grilled, smoked or torn apart with teeth while still alive.”
Seattle resident and salmon enthusiast Dee Gestion was elated at the news.
“I follow everything Pac sal! That’s what the foodie community here calls them. But I don’t eat gluten because it’s made from animals and I don’t eat any animals except for fish. So I’m super excited that there’s finally a salmon for me!”
The fishing community along the northwest coast expressed optimism that the announcement by KSCPD would bring better sales and prices.
“They’re great at what they do,” said fisherman Bill Netter. “The fish, that is. I don’t really care for the branding, but if it sells more fish, sure. Does ice count as a preservative?”
At the end of his presentation, Cooked said International Pacific Salmon is working hard on developing a species called I Can’t Believe It’s Not SalmonTM that is, in fact, chicken.