Alaska State Parks announced that it has contracted with the Kingdom of Goblins to build a new generation of bear-proof dumpsters that require users to find their way through the Labyrinth of Jareth the Goblin King before they open.
“There’s no way the bears will figure this one out,” said director of State Parks Jim Hemson. “Our park rangers will no longer need to worry about break-ins from bears, dwarves, or even trolls.”
To access the new dumpsters, the user first sticks their hand into a chamber and pushes up on a special latch. That opens a door to Goblin City that the user must find their way through unseen until they reach the Bog of Eternal Stench, where the Goblin King keeps all the outsourced dumpsters. To cross the final bridge of the Bog, the user must then have a dance-off with the goblin gatekeepers while trying not to pass out from the intense smell. Fortunately, the soundtrack was written by David Bowie.
From there, the final challenge is a chamber of stairs designed by noted stair architect M.C. Escher. If the user can find the hologram of the dumpster within the twisting passages, they then confront Jareth the Goblin King. The user must say the special passphrase, “I defund you!” and the king will then open the dumpster and the user may deposit their bag of trash or empty beer can.
According to goblin sources, the user has 13 hours to solve the labyrinth or be turned into a goblin thrall and serve Jareth for eternity.
“At committee meetings we agreed that thirteen hours was adequate time for human and goblin usage in high-traffic campgrounds,” Hemson said, “We don’t want there to be a line to get to the Junk Lady or the Fire Gang.”
When asked if there could be lawsuits from users injured or trapped in the Labyrinth, Hemson replied, “Beyond the initial door, you are officially in the Kingdom of Goblins, over which no mortal court of law has jurisdiction. Only Jareth reigns eternal.”
There were, however, several goblin critics concerned about the possibility of bears from another world being trapped in their city, unable to find their way out. The critics were never heard from again.
Jareth issued a press release saying, “It’s a dumpster. Nothing more. But if you turn it this way and look into it, it will show you your dreams.” The contract does not specify a start or end date, upon which Jareth inscribed, “It’s only forever, not long at all.”