Haines Herring is a parody news column.

Water pooled to over a foot in some places near the airport on Monday. Alaska Seaplanes staff set up sand bags by one door in the case flood waters reached their offices. Staff recommended customers not drive out to pick up mail throughout the day Monday. (Lex Treinen/Chilkat Valley News)

Today, there’s a 100% chance of weather. There’s also a 50% chance that 100% of the forecast is wrong. There’s a 50% chance that it’s already started raining by the time you finish reading this.

Tomorrow, there are increasing levels of confidence that the sky is blue but since no one has seen it for years, the probability is still average to low. 

Rain.

On Sunday, there is a Winter Weather Advisory in effect. Precipitation will consist of entirely new states of matter unknown to science. It will be simultaneously solid, liquid and gas. It will also be plasma and dark matter. So wear a raincoat or spacesuit or something. However, high-energy particle physicists are citing the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which states that whatever you wear will be wrong. There’s a 50% chance that you forgot your headlamp. Rain.

In the extended forecast, winds will be either 1 or 100 miles per hour. No number in between. It will come from front, back, and side to side. Also top to bottom, inside out, upside down, round and round. One way or another, it gonna find you, it gonna gitcha gitcha gitcha gitcha. Also rain. There’s a 100% chance that it’s so much easier to hang out inside and watch another episode of Doctor Who. 

On Tuesday, there’s a 50% chance that you will shovel out your entire driveway and then the snowplow will come by and dump it right back in your driveway. There’s a 100% chance of four-letter flurries. 

And rain.

On Wednesday, a quasi-stationary front will retrograde into a stratiform thermal belt before outflow with the inlaws in the jet stream. There’s a 0% chance anyone knows what these words mean. There’s a 50% chance of Nimbus 2000 clouds, thunderstorms, a snowpocalypse, and a three-ring circus. There’s a 50% chance that it’s the end of the world as we know it. NOAA has issued a small craft advisory. Rain. 

On Thursday, there’s a 50% chance civilization will begin to rebuild. In the rain.

END