Have you heard of the Ides of March? The day Julius Caesar died? (Which Shakespeare tried to warn him about?) Never mind the details about Caesar (although the history you’ve been taught about him is a pack of lies). Instead, there’s something funny we in Haines can do—something so funny that it will draw national attention and fame to our community for decades. (Big talk, I know.) Everyone sees how Facebook has become wildly unpopular lately—and Haines is perfectly poised to be the first of many daggers.
Mark Zuckerberg models himself on Julius Caesar. Look it up. Even his hair he borrows from Caesar. (I should mention: many of my favorite people use Facebook, and Facebook has had many benefits. For example, look how useful it was in politically decapitating both the Neo-Conservatives and Neo-Liberals—who together fed us to illegal wars and pharmaceutical companies.)
This Ides of March the Haines assembly should declare war on Facebook—and publicly establish that we are in open conflict with the corporation. We can provide countless testimony about how Facebook has destroyed our economy and public health. We can easily demonstrate how it has called a flock of corporate vultures to feed on the heart of our community itself.
Build a monument on Main Street to those who never used Facebook, and those who give it up for the war effort. Chisel their names into stone on live TV. Laughter will ring across the land—and everyone will love Haines again.
Chris Palmisano