Haines has an opportunity to take a leadership role throughout our region, and possibly even our country, during the current crisis roiling law enforcement. We have the power to make national headlines situated where we are, which means we can use our creativity to extend the healing balm of laughter, and perhaps even inspiration, to millions of our fellow citizens.

I recommend Inspector Clouseau, perhaps the most beloved policeman of all time, for our role model. In his spirit, let’s use a ballot measure to switch the Haines Police Department’s uniforms from blue to hot pink. Think of the advantages: potentially charged situations will be immediately defused by the mere appearance of an officer; moreover, the department will be forced to develop a true self-confidence thusly attired, which will be good for everyone.

Furthermore, let’s change the title of “Police Chief” to “Pink Panther.” This will make for easily understandable newspaper articles, and as a serve reminder to officials everywhere that if one is stumbling around in the dark and accidentally steps on a violin, it is better to say “My Stradivarius!” than “If you don’t respect me, I’ll charge you with a crime!” This way, once the lights turn back on, people will recognize a charitable fool who means well, rather than an insecure one who does not.

What do you say, folks? Let’s fall upon our own comedic swords for the sake of our fellow citizens everywhere!

In the spirit of Peter Sellers,

Chris Palmisano