Haines should focus on the moon


October 7, 2021

Okay folks, we’re  going to have a chat about history. Which might seem like a strange subject for a folklorist, but we dabble. Folklorists don’t care about anything except for folklore and the moon, of course—which makes our view of history very pragmatic.

Firstly, regardless of anything else, 1,000 years from now, and after, the 20th century will only be remembered because that’s when primates first set foot on the moon. 99% of people won’t know anything else about it.

Secondly, a hundred years from now, the historical event we’re observing will universally be referred to as “The First A.I. Plague.”

That’s right: Facebook. 

“How is Haines going to survive the First A.I. Plague?” isn’t a question I heard anyone ask the assembly candidates, sadly–so I see no reason to be optimistic about our near- or long-term prospects.

But in the mid-term, let’s make Haines a manufacturing hub for common items the Artemis colony will need. Beehives designed for 1/6 G. Arrows that fly in a vacuum. Privacy curtains for lunar crater bathing. Poetry. Whatever. 

Why shouldn’t we pluck such a reachable peach? While many in this borough are busy re-enacting the film Avatar because Facebook told them to—surely some of us can aim a little higher? 

Give Artemis what she needs, we live forever. Simple as that. How’d you think that bear on the Alaskan flag got up there in the first place? Mythology isn’t exactly rocket science—but it’s getting awfully close these days.

Chris Palmisano


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